I have been a bit quiet on this blog and it is only to my dismay that I found a whole set of blog entries that I had compiled in my google docs but alas forgot to publish… was it a secret anxiety that stopped me from posting these thoughts, revelations and rants?
Carefully considering whether to publish the old entries I decided that I was too ashamed and that it was best for me to move on, leaving them behind like an old dusty book on a shelf with a pretty spine, to be looked at and thought over but not to be opened.
So it is here I feel I find myself again starting and embarking on what is a new chapter or is it the sequence of that novel I have left on the bookcase? Hopefully, this one will not fall to the pitfalls of being neglected and left for the moths to eat away at slowly like a fading memory. Yes…. I think this one I will post and publish and share with you all my internal circus of thoughts.
Yes… there has been a lot of change since my last post.I have started my “second phase” of this Handshake journey and am now being mentored by Lisa Reihana.
This offers me excitement! joy! happy tears and…. terrified tears.
(example A and B links of Lisa’s practice)
Being such a “fangirl” of Lisa and her work I wonder if I am up to the part of being her mentee and more often than not those self-criticising thoughts creep into my brain ….. Will I be good enough? Will my work be of interest? Will it work? Will we get along?…. Shoving them deep down into the bottom filing cabinet of my brain I quickly pack my bag, close up the gallery where I work and scuttle in the rain and wind to the bus stop.
You see Lisa is down in Wellington for a few days and we have a meeting face to face. We had exchanged a few emails beforehand but Lisa has said she likes to do things in the physical, real meetings with real people face instead of behind a screen. She wants to get to know me and what makes me tick.
I am thinking oh shit! No screen to hide behind? But you will see how nervous I am?!
Never mind it’s too late I am on the bus, stuck like a sardine with the other commuters, we all smell like wet dogs from the rain and the cold….. Jezz… what a great impression I am going to make I laugh internally.
Off the bus and on my way to my way to park road, just a quick stop for an anxiety cigarette and then I will make my way into the cafe.
After some seriously long slow drags and a quick chew on some mentos breath freshening gum in I go.
Past the bar… past the tables and heading out to the backcourtyard I can see Lisa sitting there with friends in what looks like a joyous and loud conversation.They spot me and look up.
“Hey Keri-Mei!!!! It is so good to see you! Please come sit down, do you want a coffee?” I am greeted with a huge hug and a big smiles, a wash of relief sets over me.
Lisa’s calm, joyous and confident demeanor settles my nerves and I am happy.
So, so happy for this opportunity and to be sitting here with my mentor.
And then our discussions begin …………….You will have to wait for my next blog for this, not a closed book on a dusty shelf anymore.